One day, my boss and mentor, Dave Marks, said something to me that changed my life and the way I viewed all relationships:
“Cathy, one of the most important things you need to teach your kids is to not use the word ‘I’ when they speak with people. Saying ‘I’ makes you the center of a conversation, and as soon as people hear you talking about you, you lose them. People want to talk about themselves more than they want to listen to you talk about yourself.”
I’d never heard anyone say anything like that before and didn’t know what to think of it, so I stared at Dave for a second, changed the subject, and moved on. But later I started paying attention to conversations I heard among family and friends and realized that Dave was right. It was uncanny how often people talked about themselves, and yes, I didn’t always find those conversations particularly interesting. Worse, I began to realize how often I used the word “I,” and it really started to drive me crazy whenever I did it. If I annoyed myself hearing me talk about myself, how boring would it be for my friends and family if I kept yammering about me?
How to Strengthen Relationships by Not Using “I”
Dave and I took up the topic again the next day, and many times after that, and I’m so glad we did. But practically speaking, how does this rule play out? Isn’t it natural to say ‘I’ when we talk? For example, in this little article I’ve said “I,” my,” or “myself,” 16 times so far. Is that bad?
Not necessarily. As with anything there’s a right way to do something and a wrong way to do it, and context lets you know which is which. Take this article for example. I’m giving a personal story. It’s my narrative about my conversation with Dave so some use of the word “I” is inevitable and contextual. But think about how often we don’t need to say “I.” It’s in those times that we can strengthen our conversations – and our relationships – by using words that are inclusive.
Take a look at these examples of comments using “I” and the examples that don’t, and decide which ones you find most appealing:
“I can’t believe how quickly the car got dirty.”
“It didn’t take long for the car to get dirty again, did it?”
I always say…”
“As they say…”
“Thanks. I needed to hear that.”
“Thanks. That’s a great reminder.”
“I think that…”
“It seems that…”
“I love it when…”
“Isn’t it great when…”
Using “you” to get your message across
Now, if you want to add even more punch to your conversational skills, insert the word ‘you’ into your comments. In fact, lead with “you” whenever you can. You’re sure to snag the ear of your hearer if she thinks you’re going to say something about her:
“Thanks. I needed to hear that.”
“You are absolutely right about that.”
“I’m out of ice. Could I please have more?”
“You’re pretty busy, but when you come back, could you please bring more ice?”
“I always say…”
“You know what they say…”
“I think that…”
“What do you think about that?”
When is it absolutely right to say “I?”
In these instances:
- “I love you.”
- “I’m sorry.”
- “I’ll own that.”
- “I love how you…”
Homeschooling families spend a lot of time together, so imagine how this people-skill would impact your home, your marriage, and your friendships. Imagine the sense of confidence your child would have using this skill as he intentionally communicates value to those he’s talking to.
Routing attention off of ourselves and onto other people keeps us humble (always a good thing) and makes other people feel important. That’s an amazing people skill, because people really are important.
“You said something the other day that I thought was brilliant…”
Who wouldn’t love to listen to someone who said that?