My computer died today. It might seem a small crisis to some. We have one other in the house, after all… but this comes on the heels of other crisis, and ended up being the straw that broke this camel's back.
Our crisis haven't been out of the ordinary, not anything others haven't experienced, and lived through. But they have come one after another after another after another.
Like summer storms on the high seas, beating you down and beating you down.
They say it makes you stronger.
I don't feel strong.
I feel tired, and scared, and wet, like a cat riding out a flood huddled in the corner of an upturned table. Exposed, vulnerable, and hanging on for dear life!
When will it stop?
Where will I be when that happens?
Will I recover just in time to have the next set of supports washed away in the next storm?
They say life would be dull and boring without the storms. I'm thinking dull and boring are right up my alley.
I want to ask God “Why?” And then in my head I hear the echoes of preacher after preacher I've heard say things like
God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand His wisdom. We must simply trust His will.
Simply trust? Is trusting simple?
And now I feel guilt too.
I want to trust. But I have questions.
I'm not questioning because I want to rebel, but because I desire so deeply to understand.
To have something that takes the sting from the storm and makes it bearable.
I want hope.
Trust, praise, confidence – all those lights I should be shining into the storm would light up easier if fueled by hope and understanding.
Where does an encourager go for encouragement?
Today I went to the Lord.
To pour out my heart before him.
All the fears, all the feelings, all the questions.
The torrent of tears…
I imagined myself with my head in his lap, his hand tenderly stroking my hair.
(I'm sure I soaked his heavenly robes with my tears today.)
His loving words calming my heart.
I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…
You are precious and honored in my sight…
Do not be afraid, for I am with you.
(Jeremiah 29:11, Isaiah 43:1-5)
His Spirit giving strength to mine.
His character a testimony of his trustworthiness.
His love a balm to my storm struck soul.
He lets me cry. He holds me close.
He assures me of his perfect, unending love.
I am encouraged.
My computer still doesn't work. The other situations facing us have not changed.
But I have hope. I have a God who loves, and cares and is trustworthy EVEN in my storm.
How has God encouraged you lately? Won't you share for the benefit of the rest of us?